‘Army of Thieves’ review: another hasty Netflix pacifier

an army of thieves, a prequel to Netflix’s previous nonsense, An army of the dead, promises two things: creepy zombies and clever robbers.

It brings neither.

This summer army of the dead, The Zombie Apocalypse has already arrived in America and our protagonists decide to break into a safe full of cash, which they found in a casino in Las Vegas, located in the zero city of Zombieville. It’s a great idea, undermined by director Zack Snyder’s weak script and uninspired performance.

for whatever reason An army of thieves decided to take a likable, nerdy and brilliant German safe maker An army of the dead, Ludwig Dieter, and makes him a star. Also directed by Matthias Schweighöfer, who plays Dieter.

So this is a story of origin that tells us how Dieter became a master thief. This is also said to be the story of the origin of the zombie eruption.

Well, as far as zombies are concerned, there aren’t any. While Dieter runs around Europe and smashes safes, except for a few bad dreams, the walking dead are nowhere to be found.

Dieter’s is even worse brilliant safe intrusion capabilities that are a joke.

The film begins with a broken promise, a story full of heavy mythology about a brilliant craftsman who built four bulletproof safes. No one can break into these safes! This is impossible! Of course, Dieter’s army of thieves is involved in having to smash three of these legendary safes (the fourth is in An army of the dead). So what you expect is to see how smart Dieter is.

We are also promised three smart robberies. After all, Dieter’s crew has to get past the heavy guard so he can break into the safes. Then the crew has to remove all that money.

Sounds exciting, right?

Well, no. It’s a joke.

All Dieter, master of safe intrusion, is to lean your ear against the safe and turn the dials. That’s it. That’s all he does. That’s his genius.

This means that we should believe that the legendary master built four bulletproof safes and forgot to soundproof them.

That is absurd.

That’s lazy.

Worse, there is nothing smart about robberies. This aspect of robbery is a litany of tropes and clichés we have seen a hundred times. So how does our fearless crew break into some of the most high-security institutions in the world? Disruptions, superhackers and phone call pranks.

It’s basically 127 minutes of cheating script and no zombies.

The only time the story delights with a bit of charm is when Dieter and robbery leader Gwendoline (Nathalie Emmanuel) strive for romance. But this one redeemable item isn’t even close enough to justify two hours of your life.

Follow John Nolte on Twitter @NolteNC. Follow his Facebook page here.

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