DAME ESTHER RANTZEN: Why a phone call could help millions of Britons suffering from loneliness

In the early days of Covid 2020, I moved out of my apartment in the bustling center of North London to my ancient cottage in the New Forest.

I’ve been here ever since. It is in a beautiful village that I have known since I was eight, when I first came with my parents.

There are many people I know locally, although not well, and I live with my daughter Miriam, who has ME, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and is great company.

I’m always using Zoom to call friends and colleagues, and we’ve also adopted a neighbor’s cat, so there’s usually something going on around the house one way or another. It’s leaking right now – the plumber is in and out.

But sometimes when I’m alone at night after my daughter goes to bed and I watch hour after hour of TV, I think, ‘What the hell am I doing?’ I wonder if I’m the same person I was when I rushed to BBC TV’s That’s Life!, launching Childline and its older equivalent, The Silver Line.

You see, loneliness comes in many forms. I first wrote about my experience with this a few years ago when I described the desperate loneliness I felt after the death of my beloved husband Desmond – my soulmate. It crept up on me slowly and only appeared after the memories that had sustained me for so long were no longer enough.

People said I was brave for admitting this: loneliness is still a shameful stigma.

So for me it was inextricably linked to life itself. One of the definitions of loneliness is having lots of people to do things with, but no one to do nothing with. This goes for long evenings watching TV and no one to join you in ‘doing Gogglebox’ and shouting at the screen.

Valid for going on vacation. What’s the point of going on vacation alone? I tried once. I ended up walking alone on a romantic tropical beach and thought, ‘Well, this isn’t much fun.’ So I didn’t do it again. It is very difficult to replace the person with whom you shared moments of happiness.

Loneliness can also come from the loss of something vital to your sense of identity and way of life. Loss of sight, hearing, mobility. Losing the driver’s license that gave you independence. A job that once made you part of a community. But no matter what you lose, you become less sure of your own identity. This of course applies to everyone, regardless of age.

Young mothers who have given up work and suddenly find that their only conversation is with their toddler. Although they love them, the conversation is not stimulating. Even children can be lonely, even in the middle of a playground full of peers. We believe that the underlying problem for many of those who contact Childline is loneliness.

It all has to do with the way we live our modern lives. Social media seems to connect us more easily, but it physically separates us, and it makes it too easy for us to fall into the trap of comparing our lives to the snapshots of others we see. We work longer and retire much later. The cost of living crisis will only make things worse. Our busyness means we have less time for our children, friends and each other.

It can seem like an insurmountable problem, an epidemic that shows no signs of abating post-Covid. So what do we do?

Loneliness can really attack your self-esteem and turn your front door into a brick wall that you just can’t get through. What always helped me was volunteering. It’s a great antidote to not making your day pointless. You weren’t a waste of space; you made a difference.

Childline and The Silver Line, now run by the wonderful charity Age UK, rely on amazing volunteers who often say that the time spent on the phones is the highlight of their week.

Age UK has another helpline, the Telephone Friendship Service, which matches volunteers with over 60s who could benefit from regular weekly phone calls.

However, all these services, like most charities in the country, struggle to recruit volunteers and there is a huge shortage. But volunteers are a vital army. I saw this at the local level, in my village. There is a very active group looking after the beautiful old church. There are monthly film screenings organized by local volunteers and during the lockdown someone knocked on my door and asked if I would like a cream tea – they were giving them out to people who might be vulnerable.

I became an unofficial ambassador for the Minstead Trust, which runs Furzey Gardens, a beautiful woodland where people with learning disabilities garden. I join them and attend their events. I have gained so much from doing this in my life. Not only did I end up working alongside some great people who I enjoy being around, but I feel like I made a difference.

It gives back much more than it takes from you. If you can’t do this step or if it seems too difficult, call the helpline instead – if you’re over 60, the Silver Line is open 24/7. Conversation can be a great encouragement and entertainment. I always knew when my mother, who died in 2005, wouldn’t speak to anyone all day because she couldn’t find the words.

But there are also so many groups that can help nurture your interests while easing your loneliness as a bonus. There are many on social networking sites such as Facebook and Meetup, and thousands are run every day by the University of Third Life (U3A), which has branches all over the place.

I once presented The Silver Line for U3A. Someone stood up, turned to the rest of the audience and said, ‘Every person here has experienced loneliness. That’s why a lot of us come.”

U3A is full of people who want to learn new things or even teach. They join because they are still learning or because they love teaching other people. And by the way, they find a group of like-minded people and find themselves in a whole new community.

Of course, it takes courage to reach out and join something. But try not to focus on the feeling of loneliness, but on what you would like to achieve. Maybe the dog just needs a walk and you want to find a walking group. Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn how to paint with watercolors.

Do something, not because you’re a lonely, pathetic old bum—you’re not—but because you still have enough time to do something worthwhile. Think of yourself as a pool of talent and enthusiasm with much to learn and contribute.

Find a fun group; to be a volunteer. Others will benefit from your business. And who knows, you might enjoy theirs.

Sign up for Age UK’s telephone friendship service at ageuk.org.uk/friend. To donate to the Christmas appeal, go to ageuk.org.uk/donate.